Confidence and Self-Image: Why Affirmations Often Fail

If you have tried repeating an affirmation such as “I am confident”, you may have found yourself disagreeing with it as you said it.

Perhaps a recent mistake came to mind, or the words felt too far from how you saw yourself. That is worth exploring before repeating the same statement again.

In confidence work, I want to understand the situations where doubt gets in your way and what you would like to do differently. A specific example gives us somewhere to start.

Why positive statements may not help

By self-image, I mean the view you hold of yourself: what you believe you are capable of, how you explain successes and setbacks, and what you expect when you try something. It is useful to explore that view through actual situations rather than assume one explanation for low confidence.

When a positive statement conflicts with a person’s existing self-image, it may prompt them to recall evidence against the statement. Some research on positive self-statements found that repeating them could lower mood for people with low self-esteem.

You do not have to keep repeating a statement you find unhelpful. The exercise below takes a different starting point: occasions when you have already handled something, and the specific actions you took.

How self-image affects behaviour

A person’s established view of themselves can influence how they interpret success, criticism and uncertainty.

Examples might include feeling out of place after a promotion, dismissing a compliment or doubting your ability after a successful interview. I ask what happened, what you thought and felt, and what you did next.

If you explain every success as luck but treat each setback as evidence of your ability, it is worth looking at that difference. We can examine specific examples together. Related concerns sometimes include overthinking or physical anxiety.

How confidence work may be structured

We start with a situation you want to handle differently. I want enough detail to understand what is happening and to agree a change we can review.

First, describe what happens. If approaching people is difficult, I ask you to talk through it moment by moment. What do you notice before you approach? What do you say to yourself, how do you feel, and what do you do next?

Second, decide what you want to be different. We make the goal specific to that situation. That gives us a basis for choosing the work and checking whether it helps. You can read more about the process in the first-session guide.

Third, practise and review. We may use imagery and rehearsal around the agreed goal, drawing on relevant experiences you already have. We then look at what happens outside the session and adjust the plan where needed.

Try this: recall a time you handled something well

This exercise asks you to recall specific occasions when you handled something well. Treat it as a personal experiment and notice whether it is useful to you.

Step one: choose three examples. Write down three specific occasions when you handled something: a difficult conversation, a problem you worked through or a time you helped someone. Small examples count. Include the place, the occasion and what you actually did. If you find yourself dismissing an example, note that reaction and keep the details on the page.

Step two: recall one example. Take two quiet minutes and recall one of those occasions. If comfortable, close your eyes. Notice what you remember seeing and hearing, how you spoke and what you did. Stay with the details you remember; there is no need to make the experience more impressive.

Step three: try it before a difficult situation. Before a meeting, call or request you have been putting off, briefly recall your chosen example. Afterwards, notice whether doing so affected how you approached the situation.

When you replay the moment, include the body: posture, breathing, facial tension and voice. Treat this as a personal experiment rather than a proven confidence treatment. Notice whether recalling the whole experience changes how you enter the next situation, and keep only what is genuinely useful.

What to look for. Over two or three weeks, note whether the examples become easier to recall and whether you behave differently in the situation you chose. If nothing changes, record that too. Keep the exercise focused on three specific occasions.

If your mood has been persistently low, speak to your GP. We can discuss whether confidence work has a useful place alongside the support you need.

Common questions